During the first 20+ years of my life, I always felt I was trying so hard to fit in, rather then just being myself.
I would find myself acting or talking different ways, being a smart ass or bitchy to people, getting into situations that were not safe or made me feel uncomfortable, but never spoke up or left because of my desire to fit in and for people to like me.
Every time I acted like this, I was either hurt or betrayed, constant drama that just started to run my life and I never understood why this was always just happening to me..
I would hang around people who I considered to be “Cool” just so I could be “Cool” too, but deep down, never felt I was because I knew my actions were far from who I was.
It was probably 3 years ago, I really started to dig deep, and slowly understand who I really was. I was trying so hard to be this loud, funny and sometimes obnoxious person because I thought that is the type of person people want to be around, the type of person others wanted to call a “friend”, not the introverted, loves to read, enjoys to sit back and listen to conversations rather then jump in, loves to exercise alone and loves a deep conversation over a coffee or a glass of sav.
A couple of tools that helped me gain understanding about me, why I wanted to try so hard, and why I had these expectations of myself are –
Personality test – https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test . I know it sounds cheesy, like one of those tests we did 10 years ago on Bebo, created by one of our peers, but this test truly helped me understand why I feel and think certain ways, why I feel tired after big events and that it is completely OK. I highly recommend doing this test if you want to read a little about yourself 😉
Tony Robbins – Awaken the giant within – this book taught me a lot of things about being genuine and understanding certain feelings, and why they are important and what they mean, and about letting things go.
I am so grateful for every situation, every person I have met, because it allowed me to learn something, and offered me a life experience and a story to tell that I would not have otherwise.
Lastly, I just want to say how incredibly thankful I am to have the people in my life, today I don’t feel hindered with the constant shame and battle in my head to just be who I am. As soon as I showed my true self, and I accepted that, other people were then able to accept it – and these people are ones who actually matter and relationships are meaningful, because its not based on being fake.
Lots of love to you today, and tomorrow..
PS – if you do that test – let me know what personality you are – I will happily spend my afternoon reading about others 😉