my silent loss. 

1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage.

over the past 24 hours, I have tried to search for the perfect words to describe this part of my life, making sure not to leave anything out. but it wasn’t a perfect situation anyway, so I am just gonna run it.

I was 21 years old and had found out I was pregnant. I always wanted kids, and always saw myself having kids a little younger. I was so excited. Over the moon. I think I did about 5 pregnancy tests just to validate that it was actually happening and it wasn’t my eyes playing tricks on me, seeing those two lines show up on the stick.

For the next week, I kept the excitement between me and my partner. I was bursting to tell people and was so excited! I was busy imagining what he or she would look like, what they would be like and all the rest of the stuff that goes with the anticipation.

A week later, that was when everything went south. I went to the toilet and noticed a little bit of blood as I looked down. Panicking,  I googled something like “bleeding in early pregnancy” to see if Dr. Google could help me out. It said a little light bleeding is not of much concern but if it gets heavier, then you need to get to your GP ASAP.

I went to work that morning with butterflies in my stomach. I think in the first 30 minutes of being at work, I went to the bathroom 3 times to see if there was any improvement. Unfortunately, it was getting worse.

It was really heavy. Way worse then the second or third day of a normal period for me, as well as the cramps. They really hurt. At this point, I really started to really panic, so I confided in one of my gorgeous work colleagues, who helped calm me down and suggested I go and see my doctor or to the hospital where they can give me an ultra sound and see what’s happening.

The cramps and bleeding were getting worse, but I ended up being able to get an appointment to have a scan late that afternoon, so I tearfully went there, luckily I had my mum at my side for support.

They had a quick look at the scan, and I already knew what they were going to say, and sure enough – “there is nothing there”. I felt my whole world collapse. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I just wanted to get away. I wanted to getaway from people and just cry on my own. I didn’t want people to say they were sorry for me. I didn’t want people to look at me with those sad looks on their faces. I just wanted to be left alone.

The next week was hell. I spent my days at home in bed, crying all day.  Crying for my loss. I had it, everything I wanted and pictured for my future and it just got snatched away from me. Just like that. I was wondering what I did wrong, was it something I did? Something I ate? Something I said? Something I thought? I was just driving myself crazy with all these questions that I was never going to be able to answer. Apart of me also felt stupid for crying over someone that I had never met. I thought I was going crazy. 

After a month I started to accept it for what it was. I had good days and bad days, some days I found myself crying randomly  but it started to get a little easier everyday, it just took time.

I often think back and wonder WHAT IF I hadn’t jumped the gun and taken those tests and waited a little longer. Then I probably would have just thought it was a normal period, just slightly heavier then usual and I wouldn’t have gone through the heartache that I did. The great loss that I had. But then I wouldn’t have this story. I truly believe EVERYTHING in this world happens for a reason. Whether or not we understand the reason a week, a month or 5 years down the track, it does ultimately serve us in a positive way, as long as we open ourselves up to that.

I just want to give a massive virtual hug to anyone who is going through a great silent loss as well, but please know you will get through it.

you are NEVER alone.

love

casey xo

 

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